Sexy Sadie of the Examiner posed this question to me. I gav her the most thoughtful answer I could, but acknowledge this is a huge question, and topic (and a really fascinating one to my mind).

Here’s a snippet:
In ancient history, female sexuality held a significant power. There are records of women stopping wars by lifting their skirts and exposing their vaginas to the battling armies. But then, in Western religious traditions, female sexuality was equated with shame, and feared in its ability to incite lust in men. Some argue that this may have reflected social efforts to constrain female economic power. It is significant, I think, that one of the first laws in recorded history, was the order to stone to death women who had more than one husband. In the past fifty years, we have seen tremendous change in this application of shame to female sexuality. I’m thankful to raise my daughter in a world where she is not constantly told to be shameful of her body and desires.

The whole response can be seen on Sadie’s Examiner Posting:

http://www.examiner.com/examiner/x-15706-Austin-Open-Relationships-Examiner~y2010m1d25-Part-two–David-Ley-talks-about-the-history-of-womens-sexual-role

On the Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality, posted by the Journal’s Editor, a wonderful researcher and academic named David Hall.A nicely done, thorough review. Hall’s one criticism is that I coulda done more endnotes and bibliographic references – he’s right, they are just not my strength – too detailed and picky for me to really do well, I’m more of an intuitive big picture guy.

http://www.ejhs.org

(And the Electronic Journal has some wonderful articles and postings, if you’re not familiar with it, check it out!)

Reviewed and enjoyed by David Hall, PhD

“Hotwife” is not yet an everyday household term, even though many a young husband thinks his wife is hot enough for him. The surprise is to find that there is a whole world on the Internet where the term is used in a very specific way. David Ley stumbled across the term during research on couples when two couples talked about how the husband helped and encouraged his wife to have many lovers. This is more than swinging, where couples share sex in social settings with other couples on a more or less equal basis. “This sexual practice, a form of sexual nonmonogamy, is distinguished from swinging and polyamory in that the husband rarely seeks sexual contact outside the marriage except for participation in group sex with his wife and other men, while the wife is permitted and often encouraged to pursue unrestrained sexual encounters with other men.” (Dust Jacket)

Dr. Ley is a clinical psychologist in Albuquerque. New Mexico is not exactly a bastion of sexual openness, yet the Internet opened him up to a world where women; strong, healthy, powerful women, were having a lot ( I mean a LOT) of sex with men while their often monogamous husbands helped organize their affairs or otherwise supported them in fulfulling their sexual desires. As a therapist, he knew the therapuedic community saw this kind of behavior as a sign of marital difficulties. As a researcher, he let his curiosity take him for an interesting ride. In this lengthy book, he explores the history, science and research available on this type of relationship.

In Chapter 1, “Birds and Horns”, he reviews some avian and historical behavior and introduces the term “cuckold”, usually a man who raises children who are not his genetic offspring. There is a wealth of historical material on men who were ridiculed, shamed and punished for the unfaithfulness of their wives. While the women were also punished, often with death, the cuckold husband usually didn’t come out of it very well. Shakespeare was particularly hard on them; “Hang him, poor cockoldly knave!” from The Merry Wives of Windsor.

Between most chapters, the author has inserted an “Interlude”, the results of an interview with a couple or individual who had responded to his request for research subjects. These nine interviews are a moving and truly human view of this lifestyle and both its positive and negative impacts on the lives involved. These are individuals who have come to grips with their sexual natures and found in each other the necessary partner to get their needs met. Alfred Kinsey made it clear that the range of sexual behavior and desire was truly wide, and our society makes it clear that what we do “should” be constrained into a narrow set of behaviors. The reader is introduced to people who ignore society’s constraints and fulfill their sexual needs in ways that work for them. “..these couples choose to share the wife’s sexuality with others, in a way that strengthens the bonds between husband and wife, and sometimes, between them and other men.” (p.xv) Just reading these Interludes would make the book a worthwhile purchase alone.

From Michael and Janice:

“Most relationships start to die when a couple makes an agreement to ignore each other’s issues. The life in a marriage comes from calling each other, from growing,” agreed Janice. “And the minute you bring a third or fourth party into the mix, there’s no hiding any more. You’re out there. I’ve never met anyone I respect and love more than I do Michael. So, it’s not about seeking something that’s missing, in a way. It’s about adding fun and enjoyment. It keeps our sex more alive, because it’s not the same, it’s broken up, variety in between. I think that’s one of the reasons why sex is just off the charts for us.” (p113)

I do not want to give the idea that all these people had an easy life, arriving at the point in their life where they can be fully their sexual selves. Some wrestle with the many issues of life.

Cindy’s story exemplifies the struggles inherent in this lifestyle, where a wife confronts at once all of the many expectations and burdens placed upon women, that they must be sexy, but not too sexy, must be monogamous, must be a good mother, must be moral, and must always “have their act together.” (p141)

Chapter titles include Monogamy and Marriage; Women, Wives, and Female Sexuality; Alternatives to Monogamy; Insatiable Wives throuth History; This Is No Easy Ride; and more that indicate Ley has done a wide range of research on this topic. Ley writes well, covers the topic extensively, and is an understanding interviewer. He has endnotes at the back of the book for each chapter, but I wish he had given references for more of his research claims. He also has an extensive Bibliography.

This is a comprehensive view of the overall subject of nonmonogamous sex, but focusing on highly sexual women. As such it should be read by therapists and sex educators for the knowledge it contains, and by researchers and that growing group of nonmonogamous people who need to know they are not all that unusual.

Very funny t-shirt, for the biliophilic and etymological nerds among us…

Sexy Sadie, Austin-based writer on polyamory who published on the Examiner recently asked me this. Her question was a fun one to answer.

Here is a snippet, but you can see the whole article at:

http://www.examiner.com/examiner/x-15706-Austin-Open-Relationships-Examiner~y2010m1d16-Are-we-hardwired-for-monogamy-David-Ley-answers-the-question

there is wide individual variation. Genetic studies with twins suggest that there may be genetic predispositions to infidelity – if one identical twin is unfaithful, it is likely their sibling is as well. In human males, facial symmetry (a sign of evolutionary “value” as a potential mate), larger testicle size (as a physiological weapon, producing more sperm to outcompete the sperm of other males), and finger length (ring finger ratio vs. middle finger is an indicator of testosterone) all predict sexual infidelity. In women, if their male mate is too genetically similar to them, the female is more likely to seek out other mates, possibly in order to seek out greater genetic/immune system strength for her children.

U of M studies psychological impact of casual sex

Interesting – increasing research finds that many of the premises of the “sex is bad and dangerous” morality have little evidence to support them. Of course, intuitively, mot people know this, after all we are none of us as blind as we probably should be from years of masturbation, but still, I’m impressed this research is going on and getting published.

December 8, 2009

News Summary

• University of Minnesota Project Eating Among Teens (EAT) researchers have found that young adults engaging in casual sexual encounters do not appear to be at increased risk for harmful psychological outcomes as compared to sexually active young adults in more committed relationships. Although there has been speculation in public discourse that sexual encounters outside a committed romantic relationship may be emotionally damaging for young people, this study found no differences in the psychological well-being of young adults who had a casual sexual partner verses a more committed partner.
• While this study focused on the psychological impact, researchers caution that the physical risks of casual sex should not be overlooked.
• Marla E. Eisenberg, Sc.D., M.P.H., Medical School, and colleagues used data from Project EAT, an ongoing study that assessed a diverse sample of 1,311 sexually active young adults. From 2003-2004, 574 males and 737 females in Minnesota with a mean age of 20.5 were surveyed regarding sexual behaviors and emotional well-being.
• Of the sexually active respondents, 55 percent reported that their last sexual partner was an exclusive dating partner followed by 25 percent whose most recent partner was a fiancé/e, spouse, or life partner. Much lower percentages reported that their last sexual partner was a close but not exclusive partner (12 percent) or a casual acquaintance (8 percent). Over twice as many males as females reported that their last partner was casual (i.e. , either a “casual acquaintance” or “close but not exclusive partner”).
• The study, published in the December issue of the academic journal Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health, was funded by Grant # R40 MC 00319-02 from the Maternal and Child Health Bureau (Title V, Social Security Act), Health Resources and Service Administration, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

Quotes

“While the findings from this study show that young adults engaging in casual sexual encounters do not appear to be at increased risk for harmful psychological outcomes compared to those in more committed relationships, this should not minimize the legitimate threats to physical well-being associated with casual sexual relationships, and the need for such messages in sexuality education programs and other interventions with young adults,” Eisenberg said.

Smut is OK, says Montreal prof

‘We looked for men who hadn’t seen any porn. Found none’

By Lewis Page • Get more from this author

A Canadian prof, after a great deal of painstaking research, has found that looking at porn has no measurable negative effects on men’s psychology.

“We started our research seeking men in their twenties who had never consumed pornography. We couldn’t find any,” says Simon Louis Lajeunesse of the Université de Montréal.

//

“The objective of my work is to observe the impact of pornography on the sexuality of men, and how it shapes their perception of men and women,” continues the prof.

Lajeunesse, unable to find any smut-free young chaps, carried out a detailed study on 20 students who admitted having a fondness for filth. It seems that 90 per cent of all porn is viewed on the internet nowadays, at least in French Canada. Unsurprisingly single chaps watch spend about four times as much time looking at porn as those in committed relationships.

“Not one subject had a pathological sexuality. In fact, all of their sexual practices were quite conventional,” reports Lajeunesse.

“Pornography hasn’t changed their perception of women or their relationship … Those who could not live out their fantasy in real life with their partner simply set aside the fantasy … men don’t want their partner to look like a porn star,” he adds.

The study was funded by Canada’s Centre de Recherche Interdisciplinaire sur la Violence Familiale et la Violence Faite aux Femmes (CRI-VIFF, or the Interdisciplinary Research Center on Family Violence and Violence Against Women). However Lajeunesse firmly rejected the idea that goggling over naughty pics, vids etc leads men to mistreat the ladies they encounter in real life.

“Aggressors don’t need pornography to be violent,” he states uncompromisingly. “If pornography had the impact that many claim it has, you would just have to show heterosexual films to a homosexual to change his sexual orientation.” ®

My struggle with the topic of BBC was how to deal with such a charged topic in a thoughtful, sensitive, but honest fashion. Freud wrote that, I’m paraphrasing, “Sex needs to be a little dirty and mean.” Sexuality, at its core, involves the objectification of another, to some degree. The fascination with BBC is just that same issue, on a greater level.

A few significant points I found though – the research that does exist suggests that African American males do tend, on average, to have the largest penises of ethnic groups, while Asian males tend to have the smallest. However, as Kinsey pointed out, this data is always suspect, as the “average” length is always “a half inch shorter than that of the lead researcher.” Kinsey, I will note, was reportedly hung like a bear, and liked to insert a swizzle stick in his urethra for fun. Kinsey is a good model for much of my book in fact, as it is suggested that his own wife-sharing activity reflected his own bisexuality, and his struggles with impotence.

There is a nice book that I found, after I completed my book, unfortunately: White Women, Black Men. Illicit Sex in the Nineteenth Century South, by Martha Hodes.

And you know, I just have to note the Tiger Woods “scandal” – all of the women I’ve seen linked to him in the news have been blonde White women. I didn’t address the issue at all in my book, of the “fetish” that Black men may make of sex with White Wives of other men…

The hardest part of writing my book was dealing with the issue of the “BBC.” – No, not British Broadcasting, though they are mentioned, as I described the “dogging” phenomenon in Britain, but the issue of the pursuit of Black men in this lifestyle. I reviewed and discussed the long history of sexualized racism and objectification of Black men, and their penises especially. Since the African continent was first explored by Europeans, the Black man’s penis was a target of fascination, fear, arousal and attack. While much is reported of the White males’ sexualization of Black female slaves in the South of the US, little attention is given to the phenomenon of White female slaveholders and wives, who also often “used” Black male slaves in a similar fashion.

I report in my book on the vociferous debate around the role of the Black man and his penis in the hotwife/cuckolding lifestyle, and acknowledge the fact that it is controversial, and that many people within the lifestyle struggle with this issue, even as they find the concept of the Black man’s sexuality and penis extremely arousing.

I believe there is nothing in this lifestyle that is more challenging and objectifying than this fascination with the “BBC.” The term itself limits these men to nothing more than a big colored penis. And yet, many Black men embrace this fascination, getting out of it what they can. I suggest that the origins of this fascination are in the sexual fetish called an “eligibility fetish” but more so, argue that the moral complexity of this issue merely reflects the continuing struggles of racism within our country and society.

Should the BBC be idealized and fetishized? Probably not, in an ideal world. But, in the world in which we live, it is. And I believe that it is up to us to figure out what that means, for ourselves and our society, and for how we treat these men.

I did a great interview with Trash, from the Hotwifeblog.com site. He was a very friendly fellow. I worried that my interview got too academic, but he thought it was fine, and aid he enjoyed the psychology and science behinfd hotwifing and cuckoldry. I was really impressed that he ran the interview uncut. I tend to get a bit too wordy sometimes. Check it out at:

http://www.hotwifeblog.com/

cheers.

david

I find Craigslist to be a thoroughly fascinating socio-sexual microscopic view of human sexuality. I recruited most couples for my book’s interviews through Craigslist. Interestingly, Leopold Sacher von Masoch, the first really clear cuckold fetishist, “found” men to have sex with his wife by posting ads for “energetic young men” in local German newspapers, the 19th Century Craigslist equivalent. Craigslist is an incredibly unique human endeavor, from a sexual perspective -” I have a momentary urge to have sex in a PortaPotty, and I post an ad to see if anyone else is interested in the same thing – there is! Yay, let;s go try it out! – No one replies? okay, no loss.”

Beyond the whole issues of “Craigslist/prostitution/serial killers” I think there is something fascinating about the anonymous/public sides of the Craigslist coin. It is part of the social movement that is breaking down the boundaries between public and private lives. There is software that will digitally map a face (or other body part I assume) and scan the Internet to find other pictures that include that same image, even if that image has been posted anonymously. There is something frightening, and mildly exhilarating in this.

Since my book came out, I have heard about some of the secret sexual lives of people I’ve known for years, and never had any idea that they had inclinations one way or another, because our society treats sexuality as such a shameful, secret topic. But, nowadays, employers can and do google a prospective employee. Prospective dates can google you before going out to the movies with you. I think that society is in the midst of a fascinating social shift with regards to those things we consider private. Whether this will be good or bad remains to be seen. Part of the point of my book was to say that the range of healthy sexual behavior is far more broad than previously believed – everyone with a secret fetish believes they alone have this fetish. The Internet is breaking down these misconceptions in remarkable ways.

With much advice from interested folks, we are changing the manner in which we promote the Insatiable Wives film project, describing it more from a documentary standpoint than a reality show – reality show has too many Survivor connotations.

To that end, we’ve now recruited and found several couples and wives for the project, and look forward to moving on with this. I will admit, I’ve been very surprised by the reluctance so many folks have, given how many exhibitionists I’ve seen out there, exploring this lifestyle. Surprisingly, I’ve had several couples who run for-pay websites, which their faces (and everything else) tell me that being on TV is just “too out” for them.

I had a fascinating email discussion with a cuckoldress in San Francisco who suggested that my difficulties related to the fact that folks in hotwifing/cuckoldry tend to be more professionally successful, and have more to lose. What say you? I frankly have seen a pretty broad social spectrum in this, which supports my thesis that it is driven by universal sexual/biological issues.

One wonderful video I ran across is from a cutie pie cuckoldress named jinxypie, on Youtube, where she discusses what cuckolding has done for her self-esteem. She is cute and fresh and real.

cheers.
david